Audio Story
Currently I have a handful of good friends. Some relationships were forged at school, and others during work or volunteering. Also, I’ve been with the same partner for decades.
I begin with this background as proof that I’m capable of sustaining positive relationships.
Then why was I so upset when a couple of friends ghosted me in the last few years? I blame the ‘closeness factor’: they weren’t mere casual acquaintances but ones who shared their secrets and dreams with me.
And there was no dramatic breakup. Instead, the realization was a gut-punch and “Caspers” floated through my mind: What did I do wrong? Have I offended them? Why didn’t they say anything?
Ghosting hurts. It feels like a silent fade of what I assumed was a lasting connection.
Turns out the need to belong was written into our DNA millions of years ago. If you weren’t a member of the pre-historic glee club, your chances of survival were diminished.
When younger, I didn’t need to know this survival detail because I liked to create friendships and join groups. Yet today I scratch my head and wonder if I’d been too easy going. For instance, I accepted lousy treatment from one school friend when we were teenagers, like her no-shows at meeting places and her failure to include me in events.
Her frequent excuses were, “Oops! I couldn’t make it last night,” and “How did I know you wanted to come to the party?” I shouldn’t have shrugged off her thoughtless behavior, I should have found better friends.
In later years, a college friend agreed to go on a trip together. She seemed genuinely enthusiast when I brought up the subject. Despite my seasonal reminders, that trip never happened . . . so why is she appearing in social media posts traveling with other friends? The bigger question: how was I so clueless?
Direct people do exist. My friend Parker told me about a woman she met while staying at an RV park in Las Vegas. Parker grew weary of this clingy woman. Worse, the woman started to follow Parker from one state to the next in her own RV.
How did my friend disengage from this one-sided relationship? When the woman emailed for details on future travel plans, Parker was honest in her reply: “As much as I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, it’s time we went our own way – our journey ends here. Be safe and happy travels.”
That was it. Their relationship wasn’t serious or lengthy, but it had been a connection. At least my friend didn’t take the cowardly route of ghosting her. I was impressed!
People eventually reveal themselves. Take my ghosters: maybe they didn’t like me as much as I liked them, but due to school years spent in “forced relationships” – from group projects to sports teams – it can take time for a relationship to unwind.
I wish my ghosters had the courage to say goodbye and not leave me hanging. Initially I experienced a range of emotions – from confusion to hurt feelings, but I’m over it. I’ve catalogued our shared memories as FUN WHILE THEY LASTED.
You go, girl! is now my personal cheer. Today I try to care a little less about pleasing others and more about fulfilling my own needs. I don’t feel insensitive; I believe this mindset protects me.
Ghosting has kickstarted an evolution: my skin has grown thicker towards several people in my life and the rose-colored glasses are off. It’s time to concentrate on those who shake their pom poms in my direction. For them, I continue to cherish, support and show up on time.
Some relationships simply have an end date. To those who have ghosted me – you know who you are – I say thanks for the memories.
And goodbye.
